I've Been Shot!!

This morning was my appointment at the orthopedist for my hip pain.  The orthopedic surgeon's office is in a hospital.  I don't like hospitals.  This morning I couldn't decide what I was more nervous for - that they would put me off for more weeks before they would consider me eligible for a cortisone shot, or that they would actually give me one.  With a needle.  I don't like needles....

I'd reached the conclusion a while ago that something really did need to be done.  I struggled to even maintain poses in yoga last night.  Yoga for crying out loud!!!  Feel free to lose what little respect you may have had for me.  Back to the needle phobia - Childbirth?  If I must.  Lots of blood?  Sure.  Do a triathlon?  Bring it on!  Necropsy roadkill black bears?  No problem (yes, really - different era of life).  

But get a needle near me and whoawhaddayathinkyou'redoinggethatawayfromme!!!!!!!

The long story short is that the very nice PAC that saw me was quickly sympathetic to my two months of hip pain, my half marathon epic woes, and my Warrior Three turned into Falling Warrior poses in yoga class.  She quickly agreed that a shot to my right hip was the way to go, and breezily mentioned that I may also need one in my spine because of tenderness in my lower back (what? we'll cross that bridge later).  I told her I wasn't the best with needles.  She told me not to watch her prep the shot.... which was as long as my palm outstretched.  Yowsa.

Big needle.  Big big big big needle

I also casually asked, just before we got down to business... "so I have this race in a few days?"  

She fixed me with a very patient look usually reserved for tired parents of tantruming toddlers.  I quickly explained that I did get a runner to cover the run segment.  She agreed I can participate, but not to stress it or go hard on anything.  So no PRs for Greendale.  That's ok.  

My triathlon crew is also doing their final open water swim practice tonight at Indian Lake - the site of the race.  Again I tentatively ask, "So I'm pretty sure that open water swimming is out for tonight, right?"  Again the look.  Yes, swimming in a lake full of bacteria is out.  I'm pretty sure she mentally added, "You dumb*ss and don't anger the woman with the big needle".  That's ok.  I didn't really want to swim tonight anyway. (Don't tell my training partners). We agreed that wine and a campfire was a much better treatment option for tonight.

So yeah, the shot really hurt.  Like, really really I yelped in pain twice hurt.  Some people who have gotten them previously told me they weren't that bad.  They lied.  Do not believe these people.  I was also so dizzy after that I stayed at the hospital and ate lunch for a while before I felt steady enough to drive.  The dizziness has nothing to do with the actual cortisone, and everything to do with the fact that I'm kind of a pansy about these things.  But I'm am very glad that it has been done, and now hopefully I will start to get some relief and back on track.  I'll continue my PT exercise, since cortisone injections do not cure anything - they just mask pain.  I still have to address what caused this injury in the first place.

But in the meantime, I'm going to take it easy until Greendale on Sunday.

Also, since we are mourning the passing of the great Maya Angelou, I wanted to include on of my favorite quotes of hers, that seems particularly relevant to me at this time.....

Needles and Motherhood

Apologies for the radio silence.  I've been caught up in work (oh, that....), the kids' end-of-school stuff, and my ever-annoying health stuff.  Looking over the last month or so of training, it would be pretty easy to get down on myself for not having the type of volume and quality I'd hoped for in the month leading up to my first triathlon of the season.  Heck, just the fact that I've finally admitted that I really, truly, cannot run a single step is a tough thing.  My total mileage for May is less than ten miles.  At the suggestion of my physical therapist, I got a runner (Spark's awesome sister) to run the final leg of this weekend's Greendale Sprint for me.  Even though it's only 2.5 miles (oh gawd).  When in doubt, hire a wicked fast blonde 29 year old to cover you!

Of course the irony is that, if I hadn't decided to run two half-marathons to become a stronger runner heading into triathlon season, I wouldn't be injured now.  At the beginning of triathlon season.  I go into the orthopedist tomorrow to hopefully get a cortisone shot and some relief, since at this point even sleep is evading me from pain.

Then there is the biking.  Not too many complaints in this arena, except that most of my rides have been sub-20 miles, as compared to the multi-hour 50/60/80 milers of many of my non-parental triathlon friends.  My reason for this are below.  They are such amazingly good little reasons I have zero regrets:

Biker buddy

This past weekend was Memorial Day - we got two new (to us) trail-a-bikes for the kids.  One day we tested them, then the next we took the whole family down to Rhode Island for a 20 mile ride along the East Bay Bike Path.  The kids did great.  It was a nice day, a pretty decent workout (resistance training - they don't always pedal!), and overall a day better spent than any century training ride I could have done.

Lunch near the sea

Then there is the swim.  I've been in the open water three times now.  Feeling good.  Feeling confident and calm, even if those swims have been shorter than I wanted.  Again, below are some reasons (and some of my fellow moms in training):

Open water with littles (Daddy was watching them)

I'ts pretty easy to view your life in terms of what you haven't accomplished.  Haven't done right.  The choices that in retrospect, weren't quite right.  But you know what?  While I don't consider myself 100% defined by my role as a mother, 

I take great comfort at looking at my happy, healthy, awesome little kiddos and thinking... I'm doing just fine.

4 days until race day!  Stay tuned for the recap, and possibly grisly medical posts involving long needles!

Have you ever done a triathlon as a relay???

What I Really Want for Mother's Day

Ahhh... Mother's Day.  T-minus three days.  Technically I don't get to answer this question, since I already bought the following items for myself and informed my family that they were for Mother's Day:

• My Garmin 310XT training watch (clearly needed)
• A Vera Bradley computer bag (also a training expense - was lighter than the monster bag work gave me which was aggravating my hip)
• A full wetsuit (water temps are still in the 50s here and my first race is in 3 week.  Brrrrr.....)

But if I WERE to get to ask for anything else for Mother's Day, this would be my list.  A girl can dream, right?

1.  My own theme music

This one is already kind of a gimme, since for the last couple of days my little girl has been singing a modified version of this whenever I come in the room.  "Mommy is awesome!!!  Everything is cool when you're on Mommy's team!!"  So far I still think it's adorable.  It might be starting to wear on the Jedi's nerves.....  oh well.  I like it.  For now...

2.  The ENTIRE bed to myself

The other night the Jedi jokingly asked me if I wanted him to sleep on the couch so I could get a good nights rest.  I said yes.  Sadly he didn't get that I wasn't joking in return.  I haven't been sleeping well lately, mostly due to pain and my furry companions that insist that I am some sort of extra full body pillow for them to lay on top of.  Ugh.  Which brings me to my next wish...

3.  My toenail back!!!!

For the last several week my hips have been causing me a lot of pain.  The meds I've been taking have exacerbated my migraines - more pain.  I finally saw the doctor yesterday about all of this hot mess.  He gave me some new treatments for migraine that are so far working.  He also diagnosed acute greater trochanter bursitis in both hips from overuse running.  I'm seeing a orthopedist and considering a cortisone shot.  Oh and by the way no running for a while.  Which is great since I have that Oly coming up... sigh....

I have a serious bone to pick with the sport of running.  I am a biker by nature.  I have been biking for years and years.  Biking has never caused me so many injuries that I've spent hundreds of dollars in medical tests, physical therapy, and treatments.  It's never caused me to become dependent on pain medication.  It's never caused me to stop in the middle of a workout to go #2 in the woods.  And it's never caused my toenail to fall off!  This happened last night right before I went out on my evening ride and I very nearly lost it.  I'm going to start shedding parts of my body like a leper now, too??  This is the last straw.  

I would very much like it if all my running friends would instant convert over to biking friends.  Also, all triathlons shall now take on the format of "Swim, Bike, and More Bike".

4.  A whole day completely ALONE with no agenda

My kids schedule (mostly) - stolen from my friend's house

 This should be self explanatory.  If not, see the above - the kid's schedule.  Then add my work schedule and deliverables, and my training schedule and deliverables.  Add making dinner and answering the 500 zillion questions my kids ask a day and the dozens of requests for hugs and kisses and play-with-mes etc.  Alone, please.  Don't touch me.  No agenda.

5.  A whole day to spend with my kids

Yes, I can want this and #4 simultaneously.  As a working mom, I don't get enough time with them.  And they are such great kids.

In reality, probably none of these will happen.  At least not this weekend.   That is ok.  So for now, let me say a huge Congratulations and Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing moms that I know (including my own!).  Let's all recognize each other and ourselves for all the good work with do raising our kiddos.  Maybe, just maybe, we'll steal some time for ourselves this weekend....

What do you want for Mother's Day?

Before & After - Total Immersion Wrap Up

This coming Saturday is the last day of my Total Immersion class.  I started taking TI back in December, with little to no previous swim instruction.  My first season of triathlon swimming felt more like what I imagine a hamster would feel like if you threw it in a pool - lots of thrashing around, fear, and not much forward momentum.  Certainly the swim leg of my first two sprints was something that I survived, rather than excelled at.  I've already written one post mid-class extolling the virtues of TI swimming and how it has changed my experience in the water.  Coming to the end of the class I can only repeat the already positive things I've already said.  If pictures paint 1000 words, then videos must be even more illustrative.  So here you go:

BEFORE

AFTER

Some of the big differences should be obvious between my swimming at the beginning of class and end.  Overall, I'm a lot quieter in the water (less splashing).  That's not because I'm moving more slowly. I'm not. My overall stroke count for 25 meters has gone from 30 strokes per length to 19 strokes per length.  That's consistent at most paces for me now, even when I'm stroking pretty quickly (which I'm not in these videos bc of my sore shoulder).  My head position is much better, even though I have room to improve on that while breathing.  My balance in the water is greatly improved.  My legs no longer sink if I'm not kicking vigorously.  I can, in fact, swim without kicking at all and still maintain my position.  These are all huge improvements.

Some differences you cannot see.  That I enjoy swimming much much more now.  That I find it relaxing instead of stressful.  That I look forward to my swimming days instead of dread them.  That I'm looking forward to the open water season in a way I never did before.

There is a certain amount of discord regarding the "right way" to swim.  Total Immersion vs. conventional practice.  I cannot speak with any confidence about right and wrong outside my own experience, which is that TI helped me learn to swim in a way that was right for me.  By breaking down every part of your stroke, teaching me how to relax in the water, teaching balance, swimming has become a completely different sport.  Completely different experience.  I would highly recommend it to anyone who feels like a drowning hamster, is starting their first or second season and is still uncomfortable in the water, or just wants to learn a different way of looking at swimming.

(Side note - do not ever google "drowning hamster" in an attempt to find a funny cartoon for your blog.  It's disturbing.  People are sick)

Loose Ends - Injury / Diet Update:  

I went to physical therapy this afternoon for my shoulder and for a wicked case of TMJ that I seem to have developed.  It happens a few times per year when life gets particularly stressful.  Which it is for me at the moment.  A cocktail of work stress, kid stress, and taper week stress has caused my body to revolt.  I've cried about seven times in the last 24 hours, twice actually at work (which is awesome.  Highly recommended for your career). 

Anyway, the folks at Central Mass Physical Therapy are great.  A large proportion of their practitioners are triathletes, including my therapist Laura who also follows my blog.  The latter is great because they really take a whole-body, whole life approach to your therapy (including keeping you up and training as much as possible).  The latter is great both because she clearly has excellent taste in reading material, and because I never have to fill her in on what I've been up to.

Laura noted (rightly) that I never wrapped up my Clean Eating adventure.  I've alluded to it, but yes, I did drop off the clean eating wagon.  For a multitude of factors.  Cost, my son's utter rejection of all things gluten-free, and general laziness.  Once my running mileage starting topping over 15 miles per week, I switched onto the "Eat Everything in the Refrigerator" plan, with blatant disregard to what I was putting in my mouth, and a complete laziness as to meal planning and organization.  Which you really need to have.  Truthfully, my stomach problems did not seem to improve on the diet.  I may have been a little less moody (Jedi says he couldn't tell), but I believe the sugar was the biggest contributing factor. Maybe I wouldn't be the emotional mess I am right now if I'd stayed on plan.  Who knows. I'm still trying to reduce the amount of sugar I eat.  Despite the presence of these in my house (my Easter favorite):

Do.  Not.  Eat.  Whole.  Bag.  Not carbo-loading!

After having me go through the usual movement evaluation (bend over touch your toes, look down, touch your chin to your collarbone, etc.) Laura also confirmed what I already guessed.  That the exterior rotator cuff muscles in my right shoulder are quite weak and painful, and not really doing what they are supposed to.  Most likely they haven't been in years, since I first injured that shoulder during martial arts.  Also I have an epic amount of tension in my neck and upper shoulders, which is very likely contributing to the jaw pain.  Pain that, at the moment, is severe enough that I'm nauseous and almost seeing double.  She prescribed some excellent and unbelievably painful tricks with a foam roller and tennis ball, made seven more appointments over the next month, and thinks I'll be fine. Once again leaving me to wish I was a professional athlete who only had to concern themselves with their training, their therapy, and their nutrition, instead of all of the above plus that pesky job/family/bills/life.  Ah well.

Since it's taper week, I'll end this post with my biggest athletic project so far.  Resting.  With my kitty, working on my Boston Strong scarf for the Boston Marathon.

Last minute free advice for taper week?  Hit me!

Missed Signs

I'm a big fan of planning.  This is no secret.  I sometime feel like I spend more time planning my life than living it (I realize this isn't good).  Especially when all of my plans end up like this:

Of course the key to making any plan successful is to not blindly follow it, but to listen for feedback and adjust along the way.  I did not do this last fall.  I ignored pain in my foot and carried on with my scheduled races and rides, and ended up putting myself in a boot for weeks, having thousands of dollars of medical testing done, missed weeks of work - all for something that could have ultimately been prevented had I just rested and slowed down.  I missed the signs.

Coming off this injury and back into training, I started working with Sheriff in the hopes of avoiding this situation again.  Having an expert coach to help me sort out the fine line between pushing for progress, and pushing to injury.  In yesterday's notes to me for my speed/hill run, my coach wrote:

"Don't blow anything out. You are still recovering believe it or not from Sunday [long run] and a run like this which ignores warning signs can get you injured. Back off if things feel weird or drop to 30min"

I did drop it back to 30 minutes.  I felt fine, albeit a little tired.  His words turned out to be prophetic though, because as the day went on a familiar pain in my foot set in and grew worse, so that by evening I was limping.  I was also fighting back panic.  Last night Sheriff would reiterate his earlier notes to me (as though I didn't listen).  Which I did.  I suppose not hard enough.  Sometimes those signs are easy to miss.  Even with friends like Spark calling me a loon for skiing on a rest day.  (Spark says that if we could average my drive to over-train and her tendency toward laziness we'd make the perfect triathlete.  Will work on that....)

So now I'm icing and eating ibuprofen like candy - keeping my foot up with the cat on my lap.  I'm trying to keep the flashback of those weeks I spent on crutches at bay.  I'm hoping that all the work I've done to get ready for the 10 miler and my first half marathon in March isn't in vain - that I can still race those races.  I don't even need to go fast - that I can just be there and finish on my own sneakers.  It's easy to feel calm when things are going well - right now I'm not really very calm.  But committed to taking things day by day.

_____________________________________________

Another area of my life where I feel I've missed the signs is my cake business.  I get asked a lot "How is it going?"  Truthfully, in some respects it is very good.  I stopped taking custom orders when I got hurt last year, after a grueling and precarious session stacking a 3 tiered wedding cake while on crutches.  No thank you.  

So now it's a New Year and business is again steady.  Our phone rings at least once a day.  Cake decorating used to be something that I loved to do - the artistry, the challenge.... The problem now is that most of what I do is paperwork and customer correspondence.  I don't get to see people's reactions when they see their cakes, because I'm always at work.  Most customers are nice, but some can be very draining.  On a body and spirit that is already drained and tired a lot of the time.  Jedi and I have discussed what to do many times over recent months, and come to the decision that we will be shutting down the business once our youngest is in full-time school.  That's 18 months away.  

A recent order - roses and hydrangea cupcake bouquet

In the meantime, I'm taking on some projects for family and friends in February and March - just because I think they will be fun.  An outer space birthday.  My niece's Woodland Fairies birthday party.  Legoss son's 5th birthday Karate cake.  I will actually go to these events, and I will see the children smile at their cakes.  I will not fuss with money or pricing - or any red tape. It's my hope to rekindle my love of cake decorating this way.  We continue to take orders from paying customers as well, so per usual time will be of the essence.  But it needs to be done - otherwise something that I love will stay something that I currently dread.  And I'm not willing for that to be the outcome of Owl and the PussyCat Cakes.

It is so easy to make a plan and then push and push with it until you wake up one day in pain.  I created a very successful business that is currently taxing to me instead of fun.  I committed to races and training plans and have still not learned to fully listen to my body.  Let's not even touch on the career issue.  Or parenting.  This is just all the more reason be present and focus on every moment of every day - so you don't miss signs and end up somewhere you don't want to be.

Please cross all fingers and toes that I recover and hit the road again soon.  I'll keep you all posted.

What's the worst injury you've lived through (athletic or otherwise)?  
What did you learn from it?

The Road Ahead

Today is my last doctor's visit about my foot.  The doctor yesterday reinforced that there are no broken or bruised bones, no damage of any kind.  The cyst is so small that there isn't any treatment for it, nor should it be causing me any discomfort.  Any remaining pain should be treatable by physical therapy and strengthening.  I expect that today's doctor will tell me much the same. 

Which is all very good, but it does leave me with a lot of questions.  What the heck happening in the first place?  Did I make it all up?  Could I have avoided the last 5 weeks in crutches if I just ignored the pain? Was I really doing too much?  Jedi and Gypsy have both told me that no matter what, my body was telling me I needed rest.  Ok.  I guess I just have to let it go and think about how to move forward from this point.

Only it's not just my foot that I've rested in the last month.  This time out of the flow of regular life has really put spotlights on areas that I'm not happy with.  I feel tired - the kind of tired that still hasn't gone away even after five weeks of video games.  (Actually it turns out that being a mom and working full time from home isn't actually that restful, but I digress).  I've always struggled with how to "do it all".  Driven myself crazy trying to make holidays perfect.  Remembering everything for school.  Having organic nutritious meals every night.  Having my daughter in kindergarten has been a big adjustment for the family - one that I haven't really absorbed yet.  I have to let some things go.

Similarly, our cake business was started at a time when my employment (yes I work full time besides the bakery) was shaky and not very demanding. I was looking for a creative outlet that I felt I needed at the time.  That has changed - what was once fun is now feeling like an obligation.  I don't want to use my vacation days from my full time job to make cakes anymore.  Maybe if I got to see more deliveries and see people happy with my work I'd feel differently, but the sad reality is that most of my customer interactions leave me feeling drained, not happier.

A friend posted this on Facebook last night - the Briggs-Myers personality test - which Star Wars character are you??  Geek jokes aside - I fell into the INFJ category  (Obi-Wan Kenobi - score!).  Introvert (yes, you read that right), Intuitive, Feeling, Judging.  I took this test at a job 10 years ago and scored almost the complete opposite. Something extroverted. Not so now. Under Obi-Wan it describes "Seeks meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions".  That sounds about right - I want my life to be meaningful.  I have a lot of frustration feeling that both of my jobs just aren't.  And I want to understand the WHY of everything... what to learn from my experiences.

What I've learned from the last few weeks is that I need more quiet time.  Down time.  ALONE time (sorry kids).  For the first time in years I can truly say I want my plate emptied.  I always whine about being too busy, but until now I've felt like it was the only way.  Now I want less.  We've stopped taking orders (except one last one tomorrow we couldn't cancel) for the rest of the year and shut down parts of our business like on-site parties and our Etsy shop.  I'm practicing say no to people - something that I am usually terrible at, but am determined to learn.  After learning to say no comes the learning to not feel guilty about it.  Baby steps.

In terms of training, I've also sketched out some goals for 2014 that I think are more appropriate and meaningful (there's that word again) that my previous plan of tackling the Half Ironman distance in June.  In the immediate weeks, I started a Couch(cast!) 2 5K program to get my running back.  The first day was yesterday - it was a gorgeous fall day.  I went straight from the doctor's office to my favorite section of the local rail trail.  30 minutes - 5 walking warm-up, then alternating 30 seconds of jogging with 3 minutes of walking.  It felt very weird to have only the lower half of my right leg be tired - the rest of me wanted to GO!  Today I am so sore!  A slow journey, indeed, but one I am committed to.  I would like to do the local Turkey Trot on Thankgiving with my family, but at my daughter's pace.  With luck that will be doable, and my only "race" left in this year.

So my tentative line-up for 2014 is:

• Raleigh Rock'n'Roll Half Marathon with Rio.  April 19th.  Since Rio just became a mom, this one will be a walk/run event
• Season Opener Sprint Triathlon, Hopkinton May 11th.  Same course as Title 9 - fun to compare times.
• New England Trifest Olympic Distance Triathlon, Fairlee VT June 29th.  With my sister-in-law.  Family + my first Oly
• Tour de Cure 150 mile ride for Diabetes.  July 12th & 13th
• Cranberry Trifest Olympic Triathlon August 24th.  Second Oly of the year
• American Lung Association's 160 mile ride.  September 26th-28th

Moving my goals back to the Olympic distance is a decision I feel so good about.  Having the HIM hanging over me was causing a lot of un-needed stress.  I also really enjoyed this year's ALA ride - two long distance charity rides, especially one for diabetes which runs in our family, and the ALA ride sponsored by my work has a lot of meaning for me.  Both as an athletic challenge in my favorite sport (biking) and as fundraiser for diseases close to my heart.

My goals for the rest of the year are to scale back as much as I can.  Make slow, steady, healthy progress toward regaining my fitness through my Cast25K program and swimming.  Enjoy the holidays without making myself crazy.  Rekindle some friendships I've let falter in the bustle of everyday life.  Spend more time alone recharging my batteries.  And since it is the month to be grateful, practice gratitude for my wonderful family and all the good things I am lucky to have in my life.  Like tiny pie chefs!

Little guy made Mommy a pumpkin pie.  How awesome is that???

Bible Smashing

No, this post is not about dissing the Catholic church or similar.  Yesterday I got the results of the MRI on my foot.  Delivered by the nurse at my general practitioner's office, who had zero other pertinent information (Like what now?  How do we fix it?  When can I walk again? etc.  eye roll).  Equally helpful was my podiatrist's office, who flat out refused to talk to me, look at me or my charts, whatsoever until my appointment tomorrow.  Thanks, medical science.

I know I know.  The suspense is killing you.  It just about near killed me too, because after five weeks in a cast and on crutches, I have absolutely no broken, stressed, or otherwise harmed bones anywhere.  In other words, there was never any need for me to be in a walking boot or crutches in the first place.  You've got to be kidding me.  I've wasted the last 5 weeks, my life, my work, my physical fitness, and all the strength in my lower leg for NOTHING.  The first thing I did after I hung up was march down to my car (I was in the office) and throw my crutches and boot in the trunk and slam the door.  Then stalked back into the building looking really pissed.  The receptionist was very confused, bless her heart.

See that tiny black dot near the arrow?  It shouldn't be there.

Ok - it's not exactly nothing.  What I have is a small ganglion cyst sitting right next to one of the key nerve junctures in the foot.  What it is is a small pouch of fluid that forms associated with a joint, usually in the wrist but sometimes in the foot as well.  The cyst often forms as a result of repetitive trauma, which makes a lot of sense, for a runner like myself.  This is also where the "rachet" for the laces of my bike shoes is placed, so a lot of pressure on that area when I ride.  Like the 100 miles I did the weekend I got hurt.   Mine is right where the first metatarsal meets the bones of the foot - right near under that big tangle of nerves in the picture

Nerves of the foot

Until recently, the home and official remedy was to hit the cyst as hard as you possibly can with the heaviest book you own (usually the bible).  Really.  I am not making this up.  The idea is that by whacking the stuffing out of the cyst, you pop it, your body absorbs the goo, and in about 50% of the time it doesn't come back.  Great odds, eh?  Heathen that I am, I don't own a bible, so Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is gonna have to do the trick.  Any volunteers?  No?  Jedi isn't signing up, so some of my coworkers said they'd do it.  Gotta love a supportive work environment.....

Many people find comfort in religion.....

 Alternatives to crushing my foot with a large dictionary and causing further damage is to have the cyst drained or removed surgically. Or wait and see if it will go away on its own.  Now this is the part I don't know about yet and have to talk to the doc about.  The cyst is possibly too small to drain, and also in an area with a lot of nerves - in other words where it might be ill advised to have someone go after with a knife.  I have two appointments in the next two days to meet with two different podiatrists to figure all this out.  Because although I am thoroughly enjoying not being booted and walking around like a (somewhat) normal person, it still hurts like h*ll.  Knowing what it is isn't changing that.

Group stretch!!!

So in the last 2 days I've been stretching.  Practicing walking with both feet.  Frankly, how to taper off the pain meds I've been on (if I can) without going into crazy withdrawal.  That last one is something I am ashamed of, but feel like I have to mention in this blog for the sake of being honest.  Trying to integrate back into the flow of my regular life.  That last one is a problem, because I've realized my regular life is INSANE.  Work is batty.  I had three cake orders come out of the woodwork for this weekend.  The kids are not down with my new-found freedom after a month of being chained to them.  I'm trying to figure out how to exercise again.  Christmas presents.  Social calendars.  What needs to be remembered in backpacks for school.  More work.  More kids.  How did I ever do this?  And how am I going to do it again?  Totally overwhelmed.  While I'm very grateful nothing is broken, I've gotten whiplash from going from zero back into life in the space of one phone call.  God help me.  Oh right - he already wrote that nice thick Bible.....

Hold. Really. Still.

Not me.  But looked just like this.  But the other foot

Happy Day-After-Halloween.  Last night we took our little goblins over to Hummingbird's house for a great spooky shindig - this girl outdoes herself.  Kid friendly food, seriously awesome fall sangria, followed by trick or treating with a mob of kids.  True, it was raining a little bit, and true navigating her hilly neighborhood on crutches was challenging, but all in all a great time.  At least three people asked me if I was in costume.  Yes, and my costume is my foot hurts - give me candy for asking stupid questions.  Anyhoo....

Halloweenies!

So this morning we all got up at 5:45 to get the kids packed up and off to their respective schools early (a huge thank you to my neighbor for getting Boo on the bus), and my to my MRI by 7:30.  Yes, I bribed them with candy if they would eat and get dressed fast.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

To get the feeling of an MRI, put a yoga mat down on your kitchen table.  Turn the radio up as loud as possible, and have someone jackhammer your front steps.  Lie on the table perfectly still for 30+ minutes.  This is an MRI.  They wheeled me in in a wheelchair, got me situated on the table, stuck a little marker where most of the pain was on my foot, then strapped my foot in, booted over it, and stuck me into the machine to about chest level.  Thank goodness not all the way - I'm claustrophobic.  They then took scans for about 30 minutes - in increments of between 2:30 and 5 minutes where I had to stay perfectly motionless.  The tech threatened me with even longer times if I wiggled.  So.  I treated it like interval workouts - watch the countdown clock.  Thirty seconds at a time.  After a while it become surprisingly difficult to stay perfectly still.  Whew!

So now, even though my doctor has the images, I have to wait until next Wednesday to find out the results.  Fingers crossed.

Not my foot.  But isn't it amazing what medical science can do?

Don't Swim Angry. Or Do.

I've been angry.  Really, really angry.  At just about everything.  And guess who I've been taking it mostly out on?  Those people that have the misfortune to live with me and take care of me - my husband and kiddos.  Mostly my husband.  You see, yesterday the office called to schedule my MRI, they gave me a 7:45 am. appointment this Friday.  As we had been told it would take 7-10 days to get an appointment (and this was only 5) I was happy.  I knew it was early, but I called my neighbor to ask if she could watch my daughter and put her on the bus, and my son's preschool to drop him off early.  Called the elementary school.  All arrangements - no problem.  And then I told my husband.  In the two second pause before his lukewarm reaction of "Ok", I saw it.  Saw how it was inconvenient.  It didn't fit into his schedule.  He'd have to get the kids up earlier.  And I was livid.  He tried to save it by saying "I just wish you didn't have to go through this", but the damage, in my mind, was done.

All day today whenever he's come to check on me its been with the careful smiles and solicitude of a person who's not sure if their patient is going to burst into tears, bite their hand, or throw something at them.  He's been great.  Finally before dinner he sat down and basically asked me what the heck was going on.  Was I nervous about the MRI?  No.  Mad?  Yes.  Very very mad.  At the same time, understanding that I shouldn't be that upset and that yes I was feeling pretty down.

Jedi then made the best suggestion ever.  Since it's still early, do you want to go to the gym?  YES!!  So we fed the kids, I scribbled a workout on my hand, and off we went.  Jedi would watch the munchkins up in the kid gym while I swam.  I posted a status that I was going, to have Coach Sheriff comment to "kill that 300".  You got it.  Coach is watching.

The pool in the evening is very different than my usual early morning sessions.  For one, it's dark outside.  Big glass windows of dark.  I got there at 6, when most people are eating dinner, so it was just me and the seniors water fitness class.  I did my warmup.  I floundered through my drills.  I am not the most dedicated swimmer - in fact today might be the first day I've actually finished a swim workout.  I had a very comical moment where I couldn't reach my water bottle which I'd placed on the starting block.  Several jumps, pulling self up, falling back into pool, etc. and the 16 year old lifeguard came over and asked if I need help just as I finally got it. I'm sure I looked like a wetter version of Scrat from Ice Age with his acorn.  Then I got into the workout set - my 300 endurance swim.  I was tired.  My foot hurt even from the force of the water flowing by it.  About the 3rd lap, I started to get really, really mad.  Shouting in my head - at my husband (what do you mean inconvenient!  it's not convenient for me either!), and my kids (I know it's past your bedtime - suck it up buttercups Mommy needs to finish!), the medical system in this country.  My job.  The list went on for several more laps, until I was spent.  All of my anger was left behind in the water.  As I cooled down with shaking muscles, I felt calm and tremendously grateful.  That is what exercise is for - to let you bleed and sweat out every last negative feeling you have until you are physically, mentally, and emotionally released.  It is wonderful.

On the way home, Jedi also explained that my MRI will be the morning after Halloween, and if the Socks don't win tomorrow, the morning after Game Seven of the World Series.  So it's possible that he'll be functioning on about four hours of sleep.  Alright - for all of those reasons, I'll forgive him that two second delayed response.  All is well in our house again.

Tomorrow night an awesome friend is coming to pick me and my daughter up and bring us (oh yes) to a bar.  My little girl got in a habit of coming to Zumba class with me and my girlfriends and then out for drinks after this past spring.  She likes the Shirley Temples.  She's requested to go out with "Mommy's grown up girlfriends".  It is good friend indeed that will not only join you to bar hop with a kindergartner, but will also drive.  I'm grateful to have those friends.  Don't worry - we'll go before the game starts.

My best drinking buddies

P.S.  For those that can't read my handwriting (get it?  HAND writing????) tonight's 1100 meter workout was:

• Warmup: 6x50 with :30 rest
• Drills: 4x100 with :30 rest, broken into 25 scull/25 swim/25 fist or fingertip drag/25 pull
• Main set: 300 endurance
• Cooldown: 1x100 easy

There's a Hole in the Bucket

Over the course of the last several weeks, I've done a lot of watching.  Watching friends, fellow bloggers, etc. accomplish some truly amazing things.  Lots of discussions of what race or goal would be on our "bucket lists".  Yellowstone Half Marathon.  Escape from Alcatraz.  The Boston Marathon.  Kona.  Lake Placid.  I've had to ask myself, what if there's a hole in the bucket?  Those dreams drain away.  If some of my dreams just are not possible.  At least not right away.  The MRI on my foot is this Friday.  Depending on what it shows, I may be facing surgery.  Regardless of what it shows, it will be a long long road back.  Not just to racing - to normal life functions.  After much discussion, Gypsy and I agreed to put our goal of the Patriot Half Iron in 2014 on hold.  Not happening.  Two weeks ago I was hoping to be able to run the local 5k Turkey Trot with Gypsy and our two little girls on Thanksgiving.  Likely not happening. Jedi will take my little marathoner out instead.

I am depressed.  I do not write this post for pity.  For attention. To whine.  (SwimBikeWhine - I love it).  Truthfully I don't really want to share any of this at all, but am choosing to do so on the off chance my words might help someone else.  After all, over 3000 people have read this little blog of mine over the last month - maybe someone out there can use this information.  One of my "be brave" songs is John Mayer's Say.  Say what you mean to say.  I'll try.

I have a long history of anxiety and depression.  I have gone through many up and down periods.  I've been in therapy, on various medications - this isn't new territory.  Training and racing is tremendously helpful - the endorphins, the feeling of accomplishment, the camaraderie of friends is like nothing else.  In life as a working mom, you don't get a lot of "victories".  Moments that you feel on top of the world.  I miss that.  I also miss things like being able to drive without pain (or at all).  Going up and down stairs easily.  Feeling like something less than a general waste of space and inconvenience.  Feeling normal.

Many people who haven't experienced depression assume that the person just needs to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and stop whining.  Cheer themselves up.  Alas, if that was the solution we'd all be cured.  Depression isn't just feeling sad.  It's feeling disconnected from everything in your life.  Things that used to be fun aren't anymore.  Small tasks (like showering) seem not worth it or too much work.  You feel like you're watching your own life on a video tape, instead of participating in it. (Being house-bound only exacerbates this feeling for me).

You can't argue with your feelings.  I can't tell myself that I shouldn't feel sad because my foot isn't cancer or other horrible condition.  Because someone else's pain is worse.  You also can't tell yourself you should be happy because of all the good things in your life (and I know I have many).  You can't shame yourself into feeling better, anymore than you can "hate" your body into being more in shape.  "Think positive" really only goes so far, and it's not a fix for depression.

What you can do is the only thing that's every worked for me when I'm feeling poorly.  Ideally - fix the source of what's bothering you.  Failing that, force yourself to do things that you would normally enjoy. If you can't, have someone else force you instead. Repeat. (Now in my case, being able to drive would really help.  But that's not an option.  Despite the doctor's assertion that I can drive if I want, I tried it and it was very painful and I didn't feel very in control of the car).  It's kind of like doing the same training workout over and over and taking it on faith that eventually you'll see results.

Rocket Mama - cast totally covered!

My mini-bucket list:

• Not only go to my niece's Halloween party, but wear a costume.  This actually was the most fun I've had in a while.
• Good out with friends
• Swim and pool-run.  (if someone will take me)
• Shop for XMas presents for the kids (online)
• Get a new Lego set and build it with my little guy
• Take kids trick-or-treating at friends house
• Take kids to a movie
• Work on doll clothes for kids
• Play video games with the kids (yes I'm a nerd)

I don't know how much any of this will really help my feel better, but I have to keep trying.  You may notice that lots of these are with my kids.  Despite how exhausting they can be, my children bring me so much joy.  And cuddles.  It's really hard to be depressed with a giggling preschooler wrapped around your neck.

If anyone that reads this is also battling an injury or other stress that is making them feel blue, friend you have my empathy.  Just keep trying.  For anyone who has someone fighting depression in their life - don't try to fix them.  Just show up for them.  Be well everyone....

Krazy Kitty Kardio

It has come to my attention that I am becoming a crazy cat woman.  In my defense, sitting with one of my cats in my lap has been my primary occupation lately.  One kitty especially is super affectionate and follows me everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  This is the cat that has hopped in the shower with me.  I found her dumped out in a parking lot when she was a kitten and I was 7 months pregnant with my first.  She's not left my side since.

I will follow you.... wherever you may go....

However, some friends have voiced concern for my mental health after the zillionth photo posting.  So - I will try to knock that off.  The for the record, my cats rock and are better than most people I've ever met.  So.  Crazy cat woman speak?  Uh oh.....

I've been on crutches a week and a half, coming up on three weeks since injury.  Yesterday morning I was hemming and hawing on seeing a podiatrist.  I called my doctor back with some follow-up questions (like how long is this bloody thing gonna take to start to feel better???) and they of course refused to talk to me.  They referred me to a podiatrist, who also was not down with answering simple questions over the phone.  I'd need to come in for an office visit.  Hurrah the US medical system.  So after much consideration I sucked it up and made the appointment.  I needn't have worried - the first available appointment isn't until November. The irony of a 3 week delay while simultaneously telling me that I really do need to be seen was lost on the nurse that made the appointment.  Anyway...

I went back to furiously googling for answers, and found an article encouragingly called "Healing a Metatarsal Stress Fracture Quickly".  Yes!  That! Enough of this patient waiting - I want results!  And despite Boss Scarecrow's assurances that I can work from home for as long I need, I want to get back to my life.

The article highlighted a three-pronged approach, the goal of which to increase blood flow to the area.  Which kind of makes sense to me - between the CAM boot and compression socks, I've had moments wondering if my foot actually hurts or is just squeezed to the point of losing feeling.  Heat instead of ice, regular exercise, and using a TENs unit for 30 minutes 2-3 times a day.  I actually own a TENs unit (long story).  It stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation.  It's a little gismo with 2-4 electrodes that you attach to your skin and it runs an electrical current through the affected area.  It feels kind of like miniature hamsters running around under your skin.  The idea is that it does the same thing as the super expensive Bone Stimulators that professional athletes get to use, but with a DIY twist.  So I dug that puppy up and zapped myself three times yesterday.

TENS unit

I also begged the Jedi to haul our old folding reclining bike up from the basement.  Since Becoming A Triathlete I've scorned this contraption, and all reclining stationary bikes, as being too easy.  Not relevant to training.  I imagine perfectly made up coeds pedaling slowly on them while reading Elle magazine and scanning the gym for cute guys to ask out.  BUT out with the attitude, because I did actually use this machine to lose 20 lbs 2 years back, AND it has the benefit of being almost complete non-weight bearing on my foot.

My new friend

With all resolve to start slowly, I did only 25 minutes yesterday, with the boot on.  It feels a little weird.  After weeks strapped in a walking cast, any muscle movement in my foot feels, well, weird (must buy a thesaurus).  But not painful.  Working out felt so good.  My head felt clearer that it has in weeks.  I remembered what it was to sweat!

Pedaling with da boot

This morning after my obligatory coffee, I dressed straight into workout gear.  I haven't even opened that drawer of my dresser lately - it makes me sad.  Not today!  Hello Sports Bras!!  I even strapped on my Pear HRM and did another 30 minutes.  So happy I added 20 minutes of strength work (upper body) on the ball with dumbbells.  Hitting the pool tomorrow during my little guy's swim lesson.

Blurry pic of very happy me - taken by my 4 year old

Now the challenge is to not overdo.  I woke this morning for the first time with no pain in my foot.  Even pressing on the bone doesn't hurt.  No pain meds so far today (another concern - how long can I take these things before I turn into one of the suburban wife addicts that they write drama series about?).  It feels like progress.  Now, like everything else, I just need to keep it going and not mess it up....

I'm sure the kitties will help keep me on track.

Rest mom.  Rest.

Send in the Clowns

Elephant paints a picture at the pre-show

Friday we had tickets to see the circus (Ringling Bros).  We got them ages ago.  True to form, Friday morning I had an epic freak-out that my foot still hurt.  Yes, I was panicking because broken bones hadn't magically healed in two weeks.  I called Mom, called the doctor (who never responded), and then resorted to the ultimate medical diagnostic technique - polling my triathlon group on Facebook.  Some tears, responses, and some medicine later I settled back into the realization that it is going to take weeks for this to heal.  My main frustration is the MD didn't give me any timeline, so I am essentially feeling my way about when it is ok to stop using crutches, stop wearing the boot, etc.  Which on some days (like today) it doesn't hurt at all and I'm ready to go.  On other days, it feels awful.  Mood swings ensue.

Despite my tantrum and anxiety about leaving the house, come lunchtime we headed out to the Worcester DCU center.  We got there and hour and a half early for the pre-show, where you can go check out the animals in their enclosures and then go into the main arena to dance with the clowns, watch an elephant paint a picture, and bounce in a giant bouncy house if you are under 48 inches tall.

Memorizing pattern for later....

I got a truly impressive workout walking on my crutches (crutching?) around the DCU center.  Forget biking or swimming - just chasing two hyperactive kiddos around a stadium is a great workout for your arms, hands, and core.  I'm still sore!!

The show itself was amazing.  Magical.  My heart was in my throat for the aerialists, the acrobats, and especially the motorcycles in the steel ball.  Oh my goodness.  I wanted to call the mother of all those performers and say "Your child is not being safe!!"  At one point the girl child looked over at me and said, "Don't be afraid Mommy - it's not real."  This from the child who insists that her imaginary friends are real.  Might have to work on that...

Cotton candy

We spent more on cotton candy and popcorn than our tickets cost.  The vendor calling out $20 glowing swords and light up toys that spin nearly made my children explode with frustration when I repeatedly told them the Mommy had no more money.  Clearly the purpose of these people is to torture children and their parents.  But the show itself was a once in a lifetime experience.  Loved the big cats (we are currently trying to train our two housecats to do the same.  It's not going well).  Loved the trained puppies in dragon costumes, the Shaolin warriors, the acrobats that launched from a seesaw into towers five people high.  Dancers riding horses.  It was truly amazing.  We went out to dinner afterwards and it was all in all a really nice family day - something that was sorely (pun intended) needed.

And the elephants!!

______________________________________

The circus was timely for the following day's cake - a jungle themed baby shower cake.  I wanted to do Zebra print for one of the tiers, so I payed special attention to the tiger stripes at Ringlings.  I was still high with the circus buzz while decorating.  I am very grateful for my cake business / hobby - even when I'm broken I have something else that brings me so much joy.  A lot of the time the cake biz feels like work, but this cake was for a friend and was so much fun!  I decided to snap some pictures to make a tutorial while I worked.

Zebra Print Fondant Tutorial

• Roll out white fondant per usual, to nearly the size you need for your cake.  We use homemade marshmallow fondant, but commercial is fine too.  We also use the Sweetwise Mat for all our fondant covered cakes - while not necessary, it is a fabulous tool and makes the whole process much easier.  (I am not affiliated with Sweetwise in any way - I just like their product).

• Remove the top sheet of the mat, if using.  Roll small rolls of black fondant (make sure to taper the ends of each roll) radiating out from the center in a zebra striped pattern.

• Once all your rolls are in place, put the top sheet back on and press firmly with your hands.
• Roll out the stripes, always starting your pin in the middle and rolling outwards.  Do not roll in any other direction than out!
• If using the mat, turn the fondant sheet over and remove the BOTTOM layer.  If rolling out without the mat, very carefully roll up your sheet and turn it over.

• Drape the fondant, striped side up, over your cake.
• Fit the fondant to the sides of your cake, smoothing, lifting, and stretching, per usual.  Be gentle - even if the black stripes are firmly rolled into the white, they may try to separate a little if pulled too much.
• Once fitted and smooth, trim the bottom edge and continue with the cake!

Done!!