Today is my last doctor's visit about my foot. The doctor yesterday reinforced that there are no broken or bruised bones, no damage of any kind. The cyst is so small that there isn't any treatment for it, nor should it be causing me any discomfort. Any remaining pain should be treatable by physical therapy and strengthening. I expect that today's doctor will tell me much the same.
Which is all very good, but it does leave me with a lot of questions. What the heck happening in the first place? Did I make it all up? Could I have avoided the last 5 weeks in crutches if I just ignored the pain? Was I really doing too much? Jedi and Gypsy have both told me that no matter what, my body was telling me I needed rest. Ok. I guess I just have to let it go and think about how to move forward from this point.
Only it's not just my foot that I've rested in the last month. This time out of the flow of regular life has really put spotlights on areas that I'm not happy with. I feel tired - the kind of tired that still hasn't gone away even after five weeks of video games. (Actually it turns out that being a mom and working full time from home isn't actually that restful, but I digress). I've always struggled with how to "do it all". Driven myself crazy trying to make holidays perfect. Remembering everything for school. Having organic nutritious meals every night. Having my daughter in kindergarten has been a big adjustment for the family - one that I haven't really absorbed yet. I have to let some things go.
Similarly, our cake business was started at a time when my employment (yes I work full time besides the bakery) was shaky and not very demanding. I was looking for a creative outlet that I felt I needed at the time. That has changed - what was once fun is now feeling like an obligation. I don't want to use my vacation days from my full time job to make cakes anymore. Maybe if I got to see more deliveries and see people happy with my work I'd feel differently, but the sad reality is that most of my customer interactions leave me feeling drained, not happier.
A friend posted this on Facebook last night - the Briggs-Myers personality test - which Star Wars character are you?? Geek jokes aside - I fell into the INFJ category (Obi-Wan Kenobi - score!). Introvert (yes, you read that right), Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. I took this test at a job 10 years ago and scored almost the complete opposite. Something extroverted. Not so now. Under Obi-Wan it describes "Seeks meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions". That sounds about right - I want my life to be meaningful. I have a lot of frustration feeling that both of my jobs just aren't. And I want to understand the WHY of everything... what to learn from my experiences.
What I've learned from the last few weeks is that I need more quiet time. Down time. ALONE time (sorry kids). For the first time in years I can truly say I want my plate emptied. I always whine about being too busy, but until now I've felt like it was the only way. Now I want less. We've stopped taking orders (except one last one tomorrow we couldn't cancel) for the rest of the year and shut down parts of our business like on-site parties and our Etsy shop. I'm practicing say no to people - something that I am usually terrible at, but am determined to learn. After learning to say no comes the learning to not feel guilty about it. Baby steps.
In terms of training, I've also sketched out some goals for 2014 that I think are more appropriate and meaningful (there's that word again) that my previous plan of tackling the Half Ironman distance in June. In the immediate weeks, I started a Couch(cast!) 2 5K program to get my running back. The first day was yesterday - it was a gorgeous fall day. I went straight from the doctor's office to my favorite section of the local rail trail. 30 minutes - 5 walking warm-up, then alternating 30 seconds of jogging with 3 minutes of walking. It felt very weird to have only the lower half of my right leg be tired - the rest of me wanted to GO! Today I am so sore! A slow journey, indeed, but one I am committed to. I would like to do the local Turkey Trot on Thankgiving with my family, but at my daughter's pace. With luck that will be doable, and my only "race" left in this year.
So my tentative line-up for 2014 is:
- Raleigh Rock'n'Roll Half Marathon with Rio. April 19th. Since Rio just became a mom, this one will be a walk/run event
- Season Opener Sprint Triathlon, Hopkinton May 11th. Same course as Title 9 - fun to compare times.
- New England Trifest Olympic Distance Triathlon, Fairlee VT June 29th. With my sister-in-law. Family + my first Oly
- Tour de Cure 150 mile ride for Diabetes. July 12th & 13th
- Cranberry Trifest Olympic Triathlon August 24th. Second Oly of the year
- American Lung Association's 160 mile ride. September 26th-28th
Moving my goals back to the Olympic distance is a decision I feel so good about. Having the HIM hanging over me was causing a lot of un-needed stress. I also really enjoyed this year's ALA ride - two long distance charity rides, especially one for diabetes which runs in our family, and the ALA ride sponsored by my work has a lot of meaning for me. Both as an athletic challenge in my favorite sport (biking) and as fundraiser for diseases close to my heart.
My goals for the rest of the year are to scale back as much as I can. Make slow, steady, healthy progress toward regaining my fitness through my Cast25K program and swimming. Enjoy the holidays without making myself crazy. Rekindle some friendships I've let falter in the bustle of everyday life. Spend more time alone recharging my batteries. And since it is the month to be grateful, practice gratitude for my wonderful family and all the good things I am lucky to have in my life. Like tiny pie chefs!
|Little guy made Mommy a pumpkin pie. How awesome is that???|